Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I Feel Sorry For Myself (And I'm Not Sorry)

The funny thing about grief, I am finding, is that it's embarrassing. Like no, no, everything's fine, stop looking at me like that, ha ha! Make a joke someone please, how do we extract ourselves from this conversation kind of embarrassing. Like maybe I smell, I don't know. Because do I? Smell? Can you smell it emanating from your screen? The smell of bad things happening to someone and you kind of want to turn away? Don't worry, I get it.

It stinks.

Chachi is dying. 
My mom died in September, then we had to put my cat to sleep on the day of my mom's memorial, then we got a new kitten, because rebirth! And then my step-dad died last week and yesterday we found out Chachi, our new kitten, has a rare, incurable and fatal disease called Feline Infection Peritonitis and will die in a matter of weeks, months if we are lucky.

We are not lucky.

There is a zen saying or a Yiddish proverb, or maybe my dad just said it to me once: if we all put our problems in a huge pile and saw everyone else's that we would grab our own problems back. Or maybe it's if we all put our trousers in a pile and saw everyone else's that we would grab our own pants back. 

See how I make jokes when it's really not funny at all? The point being that I know I actually am lucky. I like my pants and I know that my problems could be way, way worse. But goddamn if things don't suck ass right now. I mean--a kitten? A fucking kitten dying??? It's like some off internet joke that's forever too soon...every time you (fill in the blank) a kitten dies. Only the blank this time is me not believing that there will ever be a time again in which I am not wading in embarrassing, clumsy grief.
Fuck this.
xo,
S

15 comments:

loose id said...

No! Oh god no. Make it stop. For you, my friend. This merry-go-round of mortality must stop, now. We must let you off, for you have been on it long enough.

Anonymous said...

When it rains it pours - just feeling the same thing on a different level though. We'll emerge from this, stronger, more appreciative and more positive. That's what I am saying to myself and I am sticking with it...

Good luck to you and get a second opinion on Chachi :-)

Gretchen said...

Damn. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

Up Mama's Wall said...

Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm sorry. All of this is so terribly sucky and painful. Don't let any of those awful "everything happens for a reason" people get near you. Sometimes life is just plain old sad and all we can do is be sad right along with it.
You can do this. But it sure is shitty.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am so sorry, Susannah. What a year you've had. :(

Thinking of you and your family tonight.

- Sharon M

Petunia Face said...

Thank you all. Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone hears you whimpering in the corner even if there's nothing anyone can do.
xoxo

Anonymous said...

My heart is tugging! I feel your pain & you are not alone. :)

K. Smith said...

I'm here, listening, reading, feeling. Can you feel my arms around you?

Anonymous said...

I look forward to your posts-even the painful ones-and you are putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes that is all we can do and all that is needed. But through it all its your humour and cynicism and that shine through and that is a gift. IM really sorry this is all on your plate its too much...

cheri said...

Grief is not fair, you have every right to say f... it all to hell. I can feel your pain...

Anonymous said...

This is just bullshit, I'm so sorry. It's just not fair.

Heidi said...

Unbelievable. Life really can suck-ass sometimes. We are pulling for you. So very sorry.

Cathi said...

I feel the same way believe me - that fucking cancer took 4 of my good friends in the last few years and another friend fighting it right now. Sending lots of live and hugs to you. You have had a lot of grief on your plate this year and my heart goes out to you!

Jess said...

Losing pets is so difficult. I have a kitten and I already work myself up about losing her someday. Thoughts are with you.